When you read the title, you might have had someone in mind but I can almost guarantee you that someone else had you in mind. Its possible that the difficult person you had in mind might think you are difficult too. Until you recognise this, you will not be able to get control of yourself enough to manage situations with a difficult person.
Difficult people have been divided into different categories like the complainers, negativists, unresponsive, expert know-it-alls etc. The problem with labels is they make it easy to give up on people and to disengage from these people. To deal with people we class as difficult, you have to separate the person from the behaviour, i.e label the behaviour not the person. This gives you an open mind to the person and you can then ask “is this behaviour worth my peace and raised cortisol levels to try to address?”
It is important to remember that you cannot change people, you can only change your attitude and the way you react to them.
“Why bother?” you ask.
“Why not just avoid these people or complain about them?”
Well, its your heart attack. Your negative reaction to someone does not usually change or affect that person to the same extent it does you. Reacting negatively to someone increases your stress levels, get you worked up and can spoil your mood for the rest of the day.
Not dealing with your reactions and blaming other people for them is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.
So how do you deal with difficult people in your life?
How difficult a person is to deal with for you depends on your self-confidence, self-esteem and how close you must relate with this person on a daily to basis. Remember we are all human and we all have bad days and we have all had a less than ideal year. So rather than a knee-jerk reaction to bad behaviour, consider asking how they are to show you are supportive and this can be incredibly disarming.
Use the acronym STOP to compose yourself and give yourself time.
S. stop whatever you are doing
T. take 3 breaths
O. observe what you are feeling in your body
P. proceed with kindness and compassion
Confront
It is possible that this person does not know how their actions affect you or the team and so it is important to confront bad behaviour before it escalates. It is often better to challenge someone, respectfully of course, than to bear a grudge.
Empathy
Empathy is seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another and feeling with the heart of another- Alfred Adler, Australian medical doctor. Practising empathy will probably change your perspective of the difficult person and will change how you ask questions and how you listen.
Listen
Listen to understand and not to respond. It takes a lot of practice to be able to listen with an open mind but doing this can actually resolve conflict faster than expected. You can pick up body language and even listen to what is not being said.
Reflection ahead of time
If possible, before you meet with a difficult person or start to resolve a difficult issue, it can be helpful to ask objectively,
What happened?
What am I feeling? or Why do I have this strong reaction to this person? Take responsibility for this without feeling like a victim.
What do I need that I am not receiving? Identify what you need from this person.
Specifically formulate what you are asking for and surrender the outcome
What is making them behave this way? This is an important question that can increase your empathy for this person and it looks beyond the surface or the façade that is being presented.
Use inclusive language
This helps to remain objective about the goals of the team rather than allocating blame. Saying “We have difficulty communicating.” is more objective and likely to get a better response than saying “You don’t know how to communicate.”
Recognition and reward
If a person is being difficult or disruptive to the team, is it because they feel ignored or not heard or they feel that they are not being recognised for the job that they do? So give honor to whom honor is due and respect to whom it is due.
See through the control dramas
When people have not leant how to get their their needs met as an adult, they use childhood methods that have probably worked in the past to try to get what they want. It is helpful to recognise these behaviours to be able to address them appropriately.
Being nice and manipulative
Being nasty and manipulative
Being aloof and withdrawn
Playing the victim or “poor-me” role
Don’t take it personally, their behaviour is about them and not you.
They see the world through personalised filters and perspective and that will affect their interpretation. They are feeling undervalued and attempting to control the situation. Oftentimes, the person just wants to be heard and then they become amicable again. In that case it helps not to be defensive, to give the person the opportunity to be heard even if you disagree with their point of view. It pays at this point to not try to prove the person wrong. You do not have to give up your bottom line but you can give up the need to defend that position.
Manage and clarify expectations
Provide clear deadlines, let them know exactly what you need from them. Clarify systems and goals. Uncertainty creates anxiety and we bring that into the relationship and that will be felt by the other person.
Be tolerant of different approaches, it can be difficult to be flexible enough to see things from others perspective, to put yourself in their shoes. However giving enough room to consider if this person is really difficult or they just have a different approach can prevent a lot of frustration. Are they a glass half-empty or half-full kind of person; are they detailed oriented or they are do-ers who just want to make things happen?
Be mindful of psychological issues
There may be underlying mental health issues here that needs to be taken into account. We have all learnt to some extent to function at work even though we not be where we would like mentally. When you don’t take the confrontation personally and you don’t seek to control situation, you can better see this.
If all else fails walk away, there is nothing wrong with walking away and giving yourself room to breathe. Deal with aggression assertively and escalate up if you need to. Also consider if mediation will help here. Everyone has someone they respect and will listen to, so it might be worth bringing this person in.
Remember, everyone is doing the best they can from their perspective so be gentle
